For about two weeks, I’ve been meaning to post on my vlog series about writing my first memoir. I’ve also been planning on writing a couple blog posts about how I’m dealing with imposter syndrome (which is kicking my ass right now) and my experience at my first writing retreat. Unfortunately, I’m too damn depressed and overwhelmed to write something even halfway decent, let alone something somebody would actually want to read. I mean, I can’t even get people to like a fucking instagram post or follow me on twitter (which I know is a totally lame thing to be bothered by). This “build your writer platform” is bullshit. It’s only made me feel more like a loser than I did before. TEN people in total follow this blog, but I’m probably the only one that reads it. I’m not saying that to get attention, I’m saying it because there’s a 90% chance it’s true and I’m a glass 90% empty kind of gal.
I really do appreciate the 10 of you, though.
As a self-diagnosed pro-social narcissist (who is obsessed with being liked by people), I am really struggling to find motivation these past few days. It’s a pathetic flaw of mine. I’m simply burned out. I spend half my day almost every day trying to work with my son’s school on his IEP – which is NOT working out (if only I could afford private school instead of the Utah POS public school system). The other part of my day is dedicated to Grad school (which I fucking hate), keeping up with the housework (which I can’t seem to do), writing a pretty fucking emotional memoir (which takes a toll after a while), while I also attempt to build some sort of non-existent brand (something I’m clearly failing at). 9 times out of 10, I fail at these little endeavors of mine. Actually, more like 10 out of 10. So, this is probably just one more thing I’ll never finish. One more thing to cement the feeling of inadequacy I feel on a daily basis. One more thing to have failed at.
They say writers feel alone a lot.
They are right.
At least they are in my case, anyway.